the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
