I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
