you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize