I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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