the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
