A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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