Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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