My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
