You really coming over, don't trick.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize