Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
