Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
