If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
COCAINE IS GR8
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
