I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
