Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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