I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize