dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
