The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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