I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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