my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
