Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize