i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
