Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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