I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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