if only i could text you this smell
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
