I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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