yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
we made out on top of his cat.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
