but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
