Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
