Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
