I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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