my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
