I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
