Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize