So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
