I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
