i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
