She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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