I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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