I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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