repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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