There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
