An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize