I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
