Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
