there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
