He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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