Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
