wrigley field is MILF paradise
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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