i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
