those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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