I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize