I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
