This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
