A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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