Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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