ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
