You can't special order awesome
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
