I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize