am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
